Meet Otto

This is Otto. Otto is adorable! Sweet puppy smell, sweet puppy breath, sharp puppy teeth, clumsy puppy feet. Six pounds and every one of them is adorable! My neighbor and dear friend h adopted him a few days ago from an animal rescue shelter. Everyone who meets Otto falls immediately and irreversibly in love with him. None has fallen harder than h herself. It's lovely to watch.

Much like when a new baby arrives, Otto and h have been receiving a steady stream of guests for the past several days. Otto has had his first outing and his first car ride and his first walk around the block. The first of many. Of many, many, many. Welcome to Laurel Avenue Otto!

Meet Me in St. Louey Louey!

First things first. It was amazing to see Rachel again. AMAZING! Just having a friend whom you have known for so long, a friend you watched grow up into an adult, a friend who is so comfortable to be around is really wonderful. Even though we hadn't seen each other in a couple years, we fell right back into everything like we had just seen each other yesterday.

Rachel picked me up from the airport Friday night and whisked me away to Long Street Grill where a bunch of girls I went to HS with were waiting. It was bizarre and wonderful and surreal to see them all again.

After the bar, we headed back to Rachel's house where the birthday boy made a late night appearance.

The next day we headed off for lunch. But this wasn't just any lunch. Rachel's husband Jack is an award winning chef and has several restaurants in the Saint Louis area. On Saturday he was working at Sage in Soulard.

I thought the restaurant was so gorgeous. I really loved how it was decorated. It had a really wonderful natural feel and there were all kinds of different colors and materials used. I walked around and took it all in. It was 2 pm when we were there, hence the lack of people, but they usually sell out for dinner and are doing quite well.

So Rach and me and a bunch of her family members came too! Rachel is from a big family who pretty much served as a second family to me through junior high and high school. It was great to see them.

Since Jack knew we were coming he had whipped up a bunch of appetizers for us ahead of time and then proceeded to serve them personally and then take our order and prepare our lunch for us. He was so generous and doted on us and the food was really amazing. For the first time in my life, I tried sashimi. I wasn't sure that I would like it but Rachel's 6 year old daughter was scarfing it down so I decided to try it and I really liked it! :) I've never been a sushi girl but perhaps I will have to give it another try??

For lunch I ordered spinach salad and half a pulled pork sandwich. While living in Memphis I fell in love with pulled pork sandwiches but good ones are really hard to find, especially up here, but Jack really knows what he is doing and this pulled pork was truly sublime!

Unlike Minnesota, Missouri is currently enjoying spring! I couldn't get enough of the green grass and all the blooming Dogwood trees. So beautiful!

Saturday night it was time to head to Harpo's to celebrate Richard's 40th birthday! Looking around the bar seeing all these familiar faces was just crazy! We spent hours chatting and catching up with folks.
And I ran into my little sisters best friend Angie! I was totally shocked to see her there as I wasn't expecting her. Kels, I know you are jealous but everyone asked about you and I sang your praises so not to worry.

By the time we left the bar for the after party, it was snowing. So much for spring. It actually snowed a lot but melted pretty quickly the next day.

Towards the end of the night (or should I say beginning of the next day) things got a little fuzzy.
But I had an amazing time. No tension, no anxiety, just relaxed and happy and having fun. It was fabulous.

The next day we again soothed ourselves with food. This time, it was my turn to treat Jack. We all went out to breakfast and enjoyed a great meal!

It was a great trip and I have returned home exhausted but happy. I know one thing for sure, it won't be another 2 years before I get back there for a visit!

Heading Back to High School

Today I leave for Saint Louis. I’ll be staying with my SVBBFLNOF&E Rachel, which in case you are wondering is WAY more than just BFF’s. It is in fact, Sisterly Very Best Bumpin’ Friends Like No Others Forever & Ever. J Rachel and I met in 7th grade but didn’t get to be friends until we both made the pom squad in 8th grade. We spent our junior high and high school years at each others houses, in each others clothes and cars, we lived together for a year and a half in college and were in each others weddings. She’s THAT kind of friend. I’ve been meaning to get back home for a visit for a really long time. But because my family no longer lives there, it keeps getting put on the back burner.

Through FB, I’ve re-connected with many of my old HS pals. One of them, Richard, turned 40 about 10 days before me. Richard lives in Los Angeles now but is heading to Saint Louis this weekend and will be having a 40th birthday party at a local bar. And because of FB, his birthday party will be like a giant HS reunion. So, I figured this weekend would be as good as any to head home. I skipped out on my 20th HS reunion 2 years ago because I felt too fat. Really, what that means is that I was unhappy with my body and not confident enough to go strut my stuff in front of people who knew me when I was a beanpole. Stupid, but that’s how I felt. Now that I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, I’m ready to head back to high school.

The Captain won’t be making the trip with me but he certainly is sending me off in grand style. This is what awaited me last night when I got home from work:

It is clearly evident to me how much he is missing being at home. We are talking about it and making sure to tend to the relationship. We are having more dinners at the table instead of in front of the TV. Though he is home less, I feel we are communicating more and growing closer than we ever have in the past; and we have always been a close couple. Every year, it floors me how much I continue to love and adore this man. I've said it before a thousand times, but I feel compelled to say it again, I am a very, very lucky girl.

Even when I wake up to something like THIS when it supposed to be spring!!!!

I still realize how lucky I am. Because today I get on an airplane and leave this fresh snow behind. I get to head to a place where it's green and things are blooming and it's at least 20-30 degrees warmer and where all my HS friends are waiting for me. Yes, I am a lucky girl indeed.

Happy Weekend to Everyone!

Happiness Is.....

Having The Captain home!
Getting a good nights sleep unassisted by alcohol
Having The Captain home!
Getting my snuggle on in a warm cozy bed.
Having The Captain home!
Waking up to my favorite face in the world.
Having The Captain home!
Finding love notes on the kitchen table.
Having The Captain home!
Enjoying healthy and delicious home cooked meals.
Having The Captain home!
Laughing out loud.
Having The Captain home!

Guess who's home?

Leveling Off But Paying For It!

Things have been kind of crappy around here this winter. I won’t re-hash through the list of bad things that have happened but they include most notably, bouts with cancer, death, absent husbands and depression.

Just before vacation, The Captain told me that he most likely would be based in Las Vegas (where he currently is based and has a crash pad) for the next year. I had been hoping that he would be able to be based in Chicago sometime this spring which would put him home more often but that appears to not be the case. Upon hearing that news, I totally pulled a Scarlet O’Hara, “I can’t think about that now……I’ll think about that tomorrah.” And off on vacation we went.

I spent a large portion of vacation anxious, pacing, unable to fully relax. I think in part, it may have had something to do with that giant piece of news that I wasn’t dealing with. But it also had to do with they myriad of other things I was dealing with. After several long talks with my beloved Amy on the sandy beaches of Mexico, I began to consider trying out an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. I have never taken anything like that before and have always been hesitant about starting. But when I returned home and really started thinking about The Captain being gone like he is for another year or longer, I decided to talk to my doctor.

So three weeks ago, I started taking Celexa. According to my doctor, it takes anywhere from 3 to 4 weeks to feel the full effects but I already feel a bit better. I credit some of feeling better to my mom’s cancer not spreading and finally getting word from Sol after a month long silence. I also credit some of feeling better to the distance I am getting from some crappy events. Time heals all wounds eventually and the farther away I get from the crap, the better I feel. But I also think that the drug may be doing what it is supposed to. I am quicker to forgive myself for things, I am feeling less anxious and there is a bit of spring back in my step. But here’s the thing folks, I’m not sleeping.

I have ALWAYS been a sleeper. My first night home from the hospital, I slept the whole night without waking. My mom came in to make sure I was still breathing. That trend has continued. I can sleep in cars, on planes, hotels, it doesn’t matter. If I’m tired, down I go. But recently, while my body rests at night, my brain wanders. I am tossing and turning all night long, looking at the clock about once an hour and just never getting any truly restful sleep. Unless…….yep……..give me a glass of wine or 3 and I crawl into a coma. I sleep deep and heavy and it’s bliss. But really, should I be drinking every night just so I can sleep? That time last week where I slept for 15 hours pretty much in a row because I felt so lousy? That was the result of taking a Xanex at bedtime because the Celexa had been keeping me awake. Those two drugs don’t mix. Learned that lesson the hard way.

So I believe it’s time for another chat with my doctor. Not sure what to do about this dilemma because I would like to try out the anti-depressant for several months to get the full benefits of it, but I can’t continue not sleeping like this. I yawn all day long and am noticing new bags under my eyes. On the plus side, I really feel like I am leveling off. I am feeling more grounded, happier, and healthier, all except for the exhaustion. And so onward I go. I’m sure this situation will get sorted out eventually. In the meantime, it may be time to buy stock in a vineyard!

The End of Yoga Bunny Week

Cess and I took our last free yoga class today and it was brutal! It was a yoga sculpting class with weights and I was blown away by how tough it was. The gal that taught it was about 7 months pregnant and she kept saying "C'mon! If I can do this while pregnant, you can do it too!" That was one in shape pregnant chick; I was impressed. After class was over, I signed up for a membership. I figured I would keep at this yoga thing for a while and see how it goes. Cess may be buying a package of classes (I bought an unlimited membership) so hopefully we can take a few more classes together in the future. It was a great week and it ended with a great class. Thanks for everything Cess!

So Foxy at Forty!

Yesterday was Cessica's 40th birthday! Another hottie joins the club. We've been having a blast going to yoga all week together. And last night, her hubs DJ threw her a birthday party. It was a blast!!!

The Captain whipped up a chocolate martini for the birthday girl which she seemed to enjoy.

It was great to be able to celebrate her and hang out with my friends and neighbors. And while we skipped our Yoga class today, we are attending our last free class tomorrow together. And when we do, I'll be signing up at Corepower Yoga. It's been a great week and I am really enjoying practicing yoga. I love that for one hour, I have nothing more to worry about than breathing and my body positioning. I think it's good for my head and my spirit in addition to my body and so I think I'll just keep on going. So here's to yoga and here's to Cessica! And here's to foxy forty year olds!

Third Thursdays

Last night, Kitten met me after work and we strolled to Luce for a nice long chat over some red wine. It won't be long until she returns to Ohio to complete her MFA and shortly after that, she leaves on a 2 year trip around the world (seriously!) so we are taking advantage of any time we can to get together. After enjoying an hour and a half of girl talk, the boys met us for dinner and we stuffed ourselves silly with pizza. (Truthfully, I only had one slice and some salad but I made up for it with too many glasses of wine.) After dinner, we walked over to a neighbors house for a cocktail party.

About 5 months ago, my friends Tomkin and Julie started this clever party called Third Thursdays. Each month (on the third Thursday - duh) they have a cocktail party. They choose a cocktail to feature and serve up drinks and snacks. If there is a holiday close by, they go with a theme. Last night, it was Irish Wiskey drinks. They put on a great spread. See?

Since I'm not much of a whiskey drinker (and I had to work the next day) I brought a bottle of red wine which they were gracious enough to allow me to enjoy instead, but most people knocked by the Jamesons. It's always nice to get together with neighbors and friends and I love that someone else is hosting other than me! We had a lovely time but by 9:30 I was exhausted and so The Captain and I retired.

Today I am enjoying some new music courtesy of Kitten. Lord I love that girl!

And although there is FRESH SNOW on the ground, I am staying positive. It is Friday, I have a hot yoga class to go to after work, The Captain is home and tonight is Cessica's 40th birthday party. So for the second day in a row this week, all is right with the world. Happy Friday to you all.

Lucas is sore and tired little flower today but feeling otherwise good. Being that this is free yoga week, I’m trying to hit as many classes as I can and I am LOVING it. What a great way to center myself, quiet my mind and sweat, sweat, SWEAT! But that doesn’t mean my other workouts have stopped so there are days when I am doing both weight training and yoga and it has left my body tired. Added on top of that, I am adjusting to some new medication (which is a story for another time) and I can quite frequently be seen yawning like a big, sleepy cat these days.


But I have the day off today from working out so I get a little rest, and I am filling my body with healthy foods...

...and I have The Captain home for the next few days and I have dinner plans and a cocktail party to go to tonight. So for now, for Thursday, all is right with the world.

Yoga Bunnies

I am loving this free week of yoga! Tonight my neighbor Cessica and I went to our second free yoga class of the week. This time it was the hot fusion yoga class. The yoga poses were pretty straightforward and done at a comfortable pace, but they are all done in a room warmed to 98 to 100 degrees. It didn't seem as hot as previous hot yoga classes I had been to and I was actually able to get through the entire class without feeling like I was going to pass out. We were both totally drenched from head to toe afterwards and it was really freeing for me to be in a room in just a jog bra and some close fitting yoga shorts and feel confident about my body. I really enjoyed the experience and I feel fantastic, especially my skin, it just feels fabulous and smooth. And it was lovely to share it with Cess. She turns 40 on Friday, so we are very close in age and she is just such a cool chick. I really enjoy spending time with her. Tomorrow, we are heading back to Introduction to Power Yoga, which we took and enjoyed yesterday. I am really digging this free week of yoga and I'm afraid I may become addicted. Good for me!

Finally!

Today is a glorious spring day. The kind of day where coffee shops and delis pull tables and chairs out onto the sidewalks for their clients t0 sit, turning their faces towards the sun to soak in its warmth. The kind of day that makes you throw open all the windows to let in the fresh air and then go for a long walk without a coat allowing the wind to do what it likes with your locks. It's the kind of day that makes it possible for you to believe that winter may actually be ending and spring may soon be arriving. I needed this day and am really enjoying it. I stayed home from work, not because of the weather but because I didn't feel well this morning. I went to bed really early and ended up sleeping really late. It seems that every couple of months or so, I just need a marathon session of sleep. After getting up at noon (I went to bed at 9pm) I felt much better so I went for a walk to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Later tonight, my neighbor Jess and I are going to a yoga class. We are taking advantage of a free week of yoga and are going to try and hit a different class every night this week. Should be fun. And so I hope you all have a fabulous Monday and get yourself some of that amazing sunshine.

Back At It

I'm feeling so much better. The black cloud seems to have lifted and I'm feeling like my old self again. It's been a busy weekend full of friends. I had The Captain home until Saturday which was really nice. On Friday night we had some neighbors over for dinner and games. Since the temperatures warmed up a bit we decided to go for a picnic feel and The Captain whipped up a batch of his world famous burgers. Yum!

We followed up dinner with Uno and had a great time playing and listening to music. It was nice to just hang out with our neighbors and there was lots and lots of laughter.

On Saturday, I went out with Cam and Randy. There was again, lots of laughter and lots of dancing. And of course, lots of adult beverages. I just love spending time with those boys. It was a late night and we closed down the bar and enjoyed a festive cab ride home.

This morning I had a photo shoot with the always adorable Cherry family. Currently sitting at four members, they will soon be expanding to five! Doesn't Mrs. Cherry look radiant?

It's nice to get paid for doing something as easy as taking pictures of beautiful families! And I just booked my next gig. I'll be photographing my cousin's wedding in mid-April. My aunt and uncle are flying me out there and they live in the same town as my mom so not only do I get to go to my cousins wedding but I get to fly out to see my mom for free. SWEET!

So things are going just a bit better around these parts. And today the sun is out and the temps are nearing the 50's. I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I think spring is on the way!

Cancer can SUCK IT!

GOOD NEWS!!! Mom's lymph nodes were found to be CANCER FREE!! We are not 100% sure what comes next but we are thinking just some radiation to clean up the area. No surgery and best of all, no chemo! Can I PLEASE get a WOOT WOOT!!!! Ok, can I get ANOTHER ONE???? Cuz the news is just THAT GOOD!!! After the couple of crap weeks I've had, it is so great to get some good news. Not just good news, or even great news, but the BEST news! I am so freakin' happy right now!

And speaking of cancer and kicking it's slimy, hideous, angry, disgusting, worthless ass, my awesome pal Keith designed this website for a non-profit organization called the Ta Ta Sisterhood! They sell some killer t-shirts and all the proceeds go toward fighting breast cancer. Check them out and buy a shirt today! Tell cancer to go SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.tatasisterhood.com/

Oh yeah, and it can go fuck itself too!

Random Pics

Again, not much time but wanted to put up a few random photos for you all. Hope you enjoy.

A photo of our recent spring weather.......ah to live in MinneSNOWta! This was taken on Tuesday evening.

A little foul weather would NEVER keep The Captain from his grill. He cooked up some steaks for our dinner Tuesday night. Yum!

The boob smashing machine. The smashing plate is actually in the down position here. You can see it holding a heating pad in place because the nice technician didn't want the plastic plates to be cold on my knocks. Thoughtful.

On Wednesday, The Captain took me out to lunch. We went back to Chris and Rob's. This time I got a cheese dog. I also got some of what they called Ravioli Dippers.

I asked for a description of them since I am FOREVER on the hunt for decent Toasted Ravioli around these parts. They sounded fairly close so I thought I would give them a try. They are still not the same as at home. These were filled with cheese instead of meat and the breading was slightly different, but this is the absolute closest I have come to the real thing since moving away from Saint Louis. It was good going down but I felt like crap after eating all this junk.

Still it was nice to have lunch with The Captain. It broke up my work day and even though it was really cold (in the single digits) it was great to get outside because the sun was out.

I managed to sneak in a tan yesterday, despite my busy schedule. I upgraded to a bed I don't normally used and was shocked at how pretty it was. It was like laying underneath a rainbow for 12 minutes. Doesn't it look fun? Like a carnival.

And finally, there was a fat full moon hanging in the sky this morning that was just too beautiful not to stop and appreciate. I took a few photos although the don't do it justice. It was much prettier to the naked eye but here is a look anyway. Hope you were able to enjoy it in real life.

Have a great Thursday everyone.

Given enough time to really let my creative juices simmer and marinate, I could have turned this morning’s mammogram experience into a funny and engaging story. However, I’m still slammed with work and today is going to be an absolute marathon of activity so you will have to forgive me for the following lackluster submission.

Every time Mom gets cancer, it’s like a party for the whole family. The first time, we all got to experience the joys of a good colonoscopy. This time around, it’s mammograms for everyone! Woo Hoo!

The “boob smashing” as I call it, wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Other than having my girls manipulated, thrown around like cuts of meat and smashed until I winced, it was just fine. The technician was calm, soothing, explained EVERYTHING and gave me lots of opportunities to ask questions. When she asked about a family history of breast cancer and I told her about Mom’s recent diagnosis, she was really kind and reassuring. Other than having breath that reeked of coffee and cigarettes, I really liked her. (Don’t you think that should be some sort of rule??? People who get all up in your biz should NOT be allowed to smell bad. It’s SO distracting!) Anyway, I should get my results around the same time Mom hears back about her lymph nodes. I’m sure we will both be fine.

Last night, I had a very positive session with my crazy doctor (therapist) and I headed home afterwards feeling pretty good. Upon arriving home, I found the table set and dinner in the works. The Captain let me know that not only had he hung the new garage door opener making it possible for me to park in the garage for the first time in several months, but that he had mailed all my packages at the post office and replaced the porch light which had burnt out. He may not be home often, but he sure knows how to make good use of his time when he is. Needless to say, he was enthusiastically rewarded for all his hard work! Baby, you rock!

And so goes another day in the life of Petite Flower. Thanks for stopping by the garden, everyone.

Today is really busy but I just wanted to pop in and tell everyone that my mom is doing alright. She had her lymph nodes removed from her right under arm today and weathered the procedure well. I spoke with her as she was being driven home and she sounded great. I would have felt pretty good too given all the painkillers she was on! J What the hell man, she totally deserves those!!! Anyway, no word on when the test results will be back. We just have to wait. We are hoping late this week or early next week but who knows.

Zeb totally kicked my ass again last night. Lord I love that boy. We don’t talk, we don’t joke, he yells and I work. I freaking love it! He actually pushed me to the point of complete and total muscle fatigue last night where I physically couldn’t finish the set because my muscles were DONE! Today, you would think I would be really sore, but you’d be wrong. I feel solid and strong. I think my workouts are one of the few things keeping me sane right now; those and The Captain. His cooking, his joking, his laughter, his company, his cuddling. It’s so freaking fabulous having him home!!!

Tomorrow morning I have my very first ever mammogram so hopefully I’ll be able to make time to tell THAT story. I’m sure it will be a good one! Later everyone.

It’s grey and gloomy here today in the Twin Cities. While it is supposed to be warmish today (40) it certainly isn’t a pretty day. There’s snow predicted in the next several days, just an inch or two, but enough to remind me that spring is still a long way off. This is when it’s really tough to be a Minnesotan. This is when winter winds up and throws its most hurtful punches. Time to dig deep and gut it out until the sun decides to warm things up around here.

My uncle made me throw out my shit sandwich last night. I think he’s sick of me wallowing and he is right. It’s time to start thinking positively. While some things are going better for me, I admit that I am still feeling tired and gloomy. I am working on finding my way through this though. I have The Captain home for a week which will help calm me a bit. I was able to speak with Sol for a full hour this weekend. Granted, it was the middle of the night here and the reception was horrible but it was nice to hear his voice and get re-assured of his safety. I continue to hit the gym regularly and it is a great outlet for my frustrations, but I’m still having some trouble sleeping. Spring will help and my motorcycle will help too but those days are still several months away. In the meantime, I’m planning a few trips to see family and friends and I think somewhere in all of that, I will shake myself free of this dark mood I’m finding myself in right now.

I recognize that I have a bazillion blessings in my life and that I really am such a lucky, lucky girl. But my girl Amy B. reassured me that it’s ok to still have some feelings of depression even though your life is blessed. As someone who is prone to feeling guilty about things, it was nice to be given permission to feel the way I am feeling. And while I keep trying to explain to The Captain that this isn’t his fault, I think he is feeling some guilt as well.

But even though we are dealing with some tough times right now, there is still plenty of laughter around our house. The Captain arrived home late Saturday night and is home for a week! Despite my working all day and having some evening appointments this week, I will be soaking him up as much as I can. We share meals when we can and just appreciate being in each others presence. For now, we are hanging in there, but I for one, am really looking forward to brighter days ahead!

Hurts SO good!

My trainer Zeb is back after a several week absence and he worked me so hard last night my legs were actually shaking like jello afterwards. I barely made it to my car. I again spent 30 minutes on the treadmill doing some intervals before meeting with him but he just would NOT let up on me!!! He shoves so much work into 30 minutes that I never get a chance to rest. If I try to rest he yells at me to get me back to work until HE says it’s ok to rest. He pushes and pushes and pushes. Lord I love it! I really feel like I’m getting my moneys worth with Zeb, he challenges me and encourages me and is firm without being mean. He has a frequent, easy smile that disappears if I try and slack off and he’s clearly proud of me when I push through. Joel came over for a few minutes to watch just because he says he misses training me. While gasping for breath, I told him his new trainers needed to take some cues from Zeb because Zeb is a total ass kicker! Joel agreed and threw a few compliments my way before heading back to his next client.

When I got home all I could do was flop on the couch and rest. I managed to stumble through a shower before hitting the rack but even with my body as exhausted as it was, my head was still a chattery mess and it took me hours and hours to get to some deep and restful sleep. Stress and anxiety will do that to a girl I suppose.

But all the crap food is gone from my house. No more cake, chips, pizza or party leftovers of any kind. I wish I could say I threw them all out but the reality is I ate them. AND I enjoyed them. AND it didn’t seem to affect me much. I seem to be holding steady at 177 pounds but my body is definitely shifting. Certain places are shrinking; other places are getting more defined. I’m pleased with the progress I am making and am feeling pretty comfortable in my skin right now. Thank goodness because I can’t imagine adding self hatred and guilt to the shit sandwich I’m eating right now. BTW, how many calories are there in a shit sandwich? Is it low in fat and high in fiber and protein? Just wondering.

Tonight is set aside for me. I have plans to bake some banana bread. I may attend a yoga class, I may attend a birthday party but I will make those decisions at the last minute. Right now it is helping me to NOT have social obligations but instead, I have social options. All that really means is that I RSVP as a maybe and then decide at the last minute if I’m up for the event or not. It helps me to feel less stressful about my calendar.

And so I wish everyone a Happy Friday!

AGAIN!!!!

Ok everybody, take a deep breath, here we go. My mom has cancer……..AGAIN!!! She was diagnosed with colon cancer in 06 and after surgery and a hideous run of chemo which left her drained and feeling like crap for months and months, and after several trips to the Mayo Clinic here in Minnesota, she was given the all clear in 08. There was much rejoicing. Mom got a second lease on life. She was healthy again and full of her usual zest for life. She retired and was feeling great and flying high. And then she flew straight into a freaking brick wall. This time it is breast cancer. A mammogram turned up a lump which was biopsied and declared benign. The lump was removed and tested again and came up malignant. Fabulous. Thanks for the false hope there Doc. You rock. According to him, it’s like being struck by lightening twice. One cancer is completely unrelated to another. Super. So she could beat this too and then come down with yet ANOTHER kind of cancer??? How many times is a person supposed to beat cancer until they win the “get out of cancer free” lottery? Is one time enough? Will twice do? Or does she have to go through this over and over? If I sound angry it’s because I am! She’s done this already. She shouldn’t have to do it again. Like a 5 year old, I find myself declaring IT’S UNFAIR and stomping around in a tantrum.

And then I remember my big girl panties and I go and put them on just like Mommy taught me. The big girl in me knows that Mom has already beaten cancer once, she can do it again. Like a body memory, her body will know what to do here and with the help of modern medicine, it will kick this cancer to the curb too. She will be fine. In time, all will be well.

But then the 5 year old is back whining that she shouldn’t HAVE to. She shouldn’t have to take medicine that makes you feel like crap for months at a time. She shouldn’t have to make her life revolve around doctors and appointments and treatments. She shouldn’t have to explain to her friends and family all over again which cancer she has and what her treatment plan is. She shouldn’t have to deal with everyone else’s emotions and have to reassure everyone in her life again that she will be fine. She just shouldn’t HAVE to.

Me? I’m ready to fight. The ass kicking cancer warriors assembled for the previous bout are still hanging around, refreshed from their long rest and ready to go to battle again. In my heart I know she will be fine. Mom? Mom is not there yet. Mom is taking some time getting her head wrapped around this one. She’s spending lots of time under the covers which I think is ok for now. She says she doesn’t know where her big girl panties are right now, but I know they’ll turn up eventually. I think she is just settling into this one slowly. Rather than assume the battle position from the get go like last time, I think she may need to gear up for this fight bit by bit. But again, I know she’ll get there.

Next week, Mom will go in to have her lymph nodes from under her arm removed for further testing. She will also get an updated mammogram. From there, we’ll have a much better idea of what we are looking at. I think getting those results will help Mom get geared up for what comes next. I think it will help her crawl out from under the covers and find her panties.

So warriors, while we wait for our leader to take her position, let’s all double-check our ammo, make sure that armor is in place and put on our game faces. It’s time to kick some serious ass………..AGAIN!

Exhaling

While there is still plenty of good eating left on the shit sandwich, I have started digesting part of it, which is good. After a month of silence, I got a quick email from Sol which has allowed me to exhale a small bit. I have been having bad dreams about his safety and then I stupidly watched a movie called “Taking Chance” with Kevin Bacon about escorting fallen soldiers home on their final journey. As we sat on the couch watching, The Captain cried and I just sobbed great big fat tears. It was touching, moving and so truly sad. Really bad idea though, watching that movie! But for now, I know Sol is safe and I can focus on addressing the other stressors in my life.

I am taking my frustrations out at the gym which feels so fantastic! My trainer Zeb has been out the past few weeks so other trainers have been covering my sessions with him. Last week, Joel stepped in and completely kicked my ass with some interval training. I had never done that before where for 30 minutes, he alternates torturing me on the treadmill with either a 15 incline or a 7.0 speed & everything in-between with strength training. It was SO HARD but I loved it and the next day, I felt like my lungs had been scrubbed clean and were all pink and new.

Then last night, I had a new trainer named Travis. I had been running for 30 minutes beforehand on the treadmill, super focused, music jacked way up, speed on the treadmill up to 6.0 (not for the whole time) just letting my brain rest. I was in such a mood last night! I focused on just feeling my emotions, my anger and frustration pushing me on the treadmill. I was just sweating everything out! When I came down to the desk to check in and gave him my name, Travis looked up from the computer and said,

“Oh. Are you the tough chick Joel told me about? The one I can throw anything at?”

I had to laugh out loud. This is how I’m known at my gym, as the tough chick, the ass-kicker and I gotta say, I don’t mind. Not one little bit.

“Yes, I suppose I am that chick. And I’m in the mood to punch stuff tonight so do your worst Travis!”

Young kid, adorable but needs some work on his ass-kicking technique. Maybe he just doesn’t know me well enough yet, but he kept giving me lighter weights than I’m used to and taking me to 12 reps instead of 15. That’s ok. We worked together to get me a good workout. And at the end of it all, he asked me for 50 crunches and I gave him 100. Like I said, I was in a mood last night!

But that’s where I’m at right now, munching on a shit sandwich and kicking ass at the gym. Happy Hump Day Everyone.

You call THIS a picnic?

I realize that I am fresh off a birthday and a wonderful vacation and I should be ready to conquer the world. But I can just tell you that life right now is a giant shit sandwich? I’m not going to run down the list of reasons for you because this isn’t about being a whiner. This is about recognizing that there are a lot of things going on in my life right now that are difficult for me to deal with. Recognizing stress and dealing with my emotions is a new thing for me. Remember, I’m the girl who LOVES having her head buried in a bucket of sand. But this is the NEW Lucas. The self-ware, adult Lucas who is finally getting to know herself after 40 years of life and is able to take off the rose-colored (avoiding/denial) glasses and see that everything ISN’T perfect. And that’s ok. I mean, it sucks, but I can deal with it I guess as long as I remember that I’m not in my life alone. I have people to lean on, people to support me, people to hug me and people to hash things through with and I even have people willing to read about my silly life, such as all you kind people. I also have some coping strategies, some of them healthy, some of them not, but I realize there are things that I am going to need to do to get myself out of this. I don’t have a big game plan in place but for now, I’m pleased with taking this first step; recognizing how I’m feeling and putting it out there. For now, that’s enough.